The Balad of Banhammer

Edit: This is all Jesse's idea. I am a plagiarist.

Gather 'round young un's and I'll weave a tale for your ear-holes. It's a story that'll dazzle the mind and excite the nasal cavities. This is the story of Banhammer.

Now you see, our protagonist did not start out as a mighty warrior, nor a defender of family justice. He started out as a well meaning, but distracted father. After threshing the wheat fields all day (I think you thresh wheat), he would come home to his moderate, but modestly middle surf-class hovel. He'd attend to the duties of his house, and pay respect to the Tiny Twin Queens that ruled the domain, then he would seek refuge in his games of make believe. In the fantasies he was a mighty swashbuckler, or a sorcerer from the tales, or a man/monkey/robot hybrid. The Man/monkey/robot thing was sweet, but you had to be there to really get it.

The fact that he was not paying attention at all moments angered the diminutive queens. They demanded all in the kingdom(Queendom?) either be servicing them or lie in wait to serve them again. So, each night as he would really start hitting his fantastical stride, the queens would use their sonic blasters to shatter his mental veil and drag him back to their imperial castle to worship. Their Enforcer, named Awsomewife McIloveyousomuch, thought the queens' desires were to be met at all times.

I tend to agree with her. Whatever she's saying, it's persuasive.

This made the God of Fantasy, Vydio Gaeme, pretty jealous. Our hero was Vydio's prodigy and showed great promise. He was really good at WoW. But we're not going to talk about that, it was a dark time in his life... and he doesn't want to reactivate his account.....nope. Plus, the mention of the Game Which Must Not Be Named gives Awesomewife the great power to revoke marital sleeping arrangements. And the couch is cold and lonely.

Anyhow, one evening, the man delved into his imaginarium, and again the Queens sounded their alarms to recall all servants. However, this time as the portal to imaginationland collapsed, Vydio left a little power behind for the man.

Oh God. Not the Christmas Critters!

It was a hammer, one which was imbued with the power of The Might of The Gigabits. He did not see it as he went to glut the Mini-Queens; but upon his return there it sat. He grasped the hammer and a cutsceen was jammed into his brain, like a pimento into an olive. He suddenly knew, in no uncertain terms, that the God of Fantasy did not like his leaving early before a round of fantasy had finished; he also knew it because the email the administrators of Fantasicalsburg sent him said so. As a result they gave him the power to become Banhammer.

With the power to be a nerd in real life and the ability to not be distracted, as Banhammer he was burdened with the inability to meet Vydio Gaeme ever again. Or at least for 1 day, then 2 days, and then his account might get permanently suspended. You know, unless the Queens would let him play. Someday, possibly, once they grow into their dictatorship; they might like to imagine things themselves. Or at least we can hope so.