Progress.

Babies are dumb. I do not mean that as a slam on my children, nor on the current and future idiots of my friends. I mean it as an empirical and indisputable statement of fact.

Evidence:
The need rest in order to get a good nights sleep. What. The. Shit?

Abby has started to read a book about how to get babies to sleep. I had been operating under the false assumption that children functioned like milk powered robots. They Expend all energy is the form of fussing, enter standby mode; then, when the batteries have cooled, reactivate and demand fuel for their lactose fueled tantrum.

But, as it turns out, they need a sleeping start at their rest. The crying seems to be a symptom of too little sleep, and by crying they work themselves up too much for sleep. Dumb. Then, since they're awake, they eat and eat and guzzle, then vomit. And then do this strange thing that's like vomiting, but really slow and the consistency of boogers. Yet they're happy to have a mouth full of rancid milk-slime.

Anyhow, Abby got a contiguous 7.5 hours of sleep a couple nights ago. We have the girls split up in two little bassinets, one on either side of the bed. The idea is that if your baby sleeps, you get to sleep. At this point it beats trying to keep them on a schedule, because waking up a baby and jamming a spout of boob-juice in their cry-hole does not endear them to anything. The conversation, upon waking went like this:

Abby: Wha..*gurggle*
Des: oh baby, oh baby. You light my fire.
A: Are the babies alright?
D: I think so, Why?
A: I feel fantastic.
D: And that's bad, why?
A: I feel like singing, and the world has color. I... I don't know if I can go back... What do I do?
D: Let's start with feeding the baby.
A: Oh, right! I had almost forgotten.
D: Yeah, you were out. Like a breathing rock. Or a very attractive hibernating bear.





They hibernate so adorably. Not that I watch them sleep or anything. I was acquitted on all counts.











A: Did you take care of [Baby Jungle-Juice] for me, to let me sleep?
D: No, she slept right on her own...... Wait, No, Yeah; I daringly took care of her while you rested. That's totally what happened.
A: Oh god my boobs hurt.
D: Do you need them massaged?
A: No, silly-willy. I haven't made a withdrawal at the mammary store in too long.
D: So... No boob touching?
A: No.
D: OK, offer stands.
A: Appreciated, but unnecessary.

But back to the subject of dumb babies. After some reflection, I don't think they are really all that stupid, I'll hope that judgment for when they're 16 and bring home a boy named "Chud." On the plus side, by the time that happens, I'll be a well established member of society, and he'll be a tattooed punk that no court would believe over me.

Generic Post Template

**Don't Post**
[Outrageous Statement]

Weak Justification. Rational explanation and further explanation. Bordeline offensive metaphor.

*Body*
Insinuate mental prowess and superiority to peers. (note: don't overtly state "I'm better than everyone, and have better taste in music." big turnoff) Pop Culture reference. Weak jsutification to post silly, non-sequiter picture.





mmmmmm..... Yeah; just like that.







*New Topic*(Note: Abrupt change in topic prevents reader from noticing I have no idea where I'm going with this)

Statement of fact. Twist fact. Propose examining of social norms from "outside the box." Attempt to set the box on fire. Realize box is important part of fabric of society. Pull it back in a bit, through the use of an off-putting simile. Wikipedia Link to relevant data.

Heartfelt/Mushy statement of adoration toward wife/children/sandwich/weather. Intentional mis-statement to cause calls of concern to Wife. Obscure 80's child's cartoon reference. (note: obscurity=hilarity.) Another crude transition as an excuse to use cool image.




Goddammit, I love you, Peyton. There's no need to be angry. You had me at "hot-route." I'm still trying to come up with a way for us to be together. Does Vermont have a football team? Maybe I can get Roger Goodell to start an expansion team there.





*Conclusion*
Use a good sentence from above, but use Google thesaurus to change all the words. Rap reference.


***Possible Topics to be explored/tasks to accomplish***(delete after use)
-Diaper contents
-Frequency, pitch, and enjoyment of farting
-Lack of sleep
-Wife's Body (update: Avoid! Danger! Tell her she's pretty... frequently.)
-Jenifer Lopez: validity as judge of American Idol
-Cry translation software.
-How far away can I pee into the toilet from? (research without Wife home)
-Dogs as mounts
-Bob Villa
-Peyton (swoon): I can't get enough
-Use thesaurus to find words to make me sound smart
-Find more obscure references: TMNT, Cory Haim, Piranhas, Huffing sharpies, D.A.R.E., jorts, neon hammer pants, gold hammer pants, JNCOs, Boobie posters at Spencer's, Breast/Fruit shape comparison, Dick-shape fruit, list of double entendre, Jesus.
-Which baby is Godzilla, which is Mecha-Godzilla? Didn't Mothra have something to do with twins?
-Figure out some reason to mention Jesus, Buddha and Joseph Smith doing a jumping triple high-five, with explosions and monster-trucks in the background.

Sip Bacardi like it's my Monday

It's my birthday, and as such I had a few demands. Most of them have been satisfied, or at least placated.

1.I wish to have a birthday dinner.
-Status: Satisfied. We went out to a delightful Greek dinner where I overate, and regretted it not in the least.

2. I wish to consume alcohol.
-Status: Placated. This is more of a standing desire than a unique event. However, at dinner Abby and I split 2 bottles of wine. I suppose that could be reclassified as we each drank a bottle of wine, if the split were even. I don't think it quite was though. My darling bride has a way of keeping a wine glass between 1/4 and 1/2 full. Keeping enough there that you don't think you've had much, but it's not obvious it has been re-poured. Then we went down the street to a bar with $2 PBR. I was too full from the gyro-love I had slammed down my wine-soaked gullet to properly take advantage though.

3. I wish to see a dancing lady.
-Satistfied. Dear sweet baby Jesus, Satisfied. And a little scared, and scarred.
At dinner, our server/owner's daughter stood on a small podium and got the whole place's attention. She thanked everyone for coming, and explained that's it's always a pleasure to host events, and the Greek culture has a special custom for special events. "And, with that, I present Zaphora!"

The music starts. It's obviously a belly dancer. The only people I've heard that sort of music played for are either belly dancers or trying to sell me a rug. I didn't see any storage space for a fine assortment of area covers. I'm pretty excited at this point, but tempering my enthusiasm, for the sake of my wife's pride.





That is not what I expected. I'm not mad, just disappointed.





The show went on awkwardly long, and there was far too much playing coy. The longer I look at that picture, the more it's like a snapshot.

In order to tuck a dollar bill in her bra-string (the nightmares), she had to give some slack to the string. Said slack was achieved not through the standard erotic dancer method of pulling the string away from the body, but instead by lifting the aged mammary from beneath.

She was a nice lady though, and very friendly. So friendly. And she smelled like the sort of perfume you would smell wafting from the classiest isle of the classiest Rite Aid you could ever happen across. I think she would be the zany grandma that every kid loved because she gave you dollars for picking dandelions int he yard. I never would have guessed those dollars had been jammed haphazardly into her sequined hosiery.

4. I Wish to Sleep.
Status: Not fulfilled
The girls have been uncooperative. I am sleeping oodles more that I did at first, but I think they just like me so much that on my side of the bed they wake up extra times to hang out.

5. I demand to Game.
Status: Addiction fed. I want more.
Friday night, Abby took the girls over to her Maid of Honor's house to chill. I took the chance to play a down-loadable game on Xbox. It was so awesome I did it again Saturday. Then, all Sunday. I should probably keep myself from diving headfirst down that rabbit hole, but who knows when that town portal is going to close. And think of the treasures and unidentified items that would go to rust without my adventuring heart.




Hey man, you got any health pots? I can quit any time I want. It's just a little fun. I like to party. Like Ke$ha, but better grammatically. My Guild needs me... Maybe I should log in to WoW, just to see what they've done with the expansions...

Hitting our stride

It's been a while since I've had the chance to put my meandering thoughts to paper...err... keyboard. Things have progressed well, and as far as we can tell, they are still lovely little girls. Abby is still enjoying her work-free liberation, but somehow has found a way to fill the days.

The girls have broadened their available range of emotions. At the outset, they were pretty much limited to "asleep" and "Raging Fury." They've added quite a few, that I will attempt to relay via ASCII symbols:

Confusion >:|
Mild amusement :)
I just vomited, and feel better :D
Daddy smells like Rum :[]
The Dogs licked my forehead %)
It's too dark in here 8|
I'm imitating daddy's serious face >:(
Listen to me :P

My personal favorite is the too dark in here face. When it's time for bed, we turn out the lights, and both of them react the same way: they open their eyes as wide as they can. From a physics standpoint I guess it sort of makes sense too. Catching more light would make things more visible. I doubt the girls understand the particle/beam theory behind it, but getting that eye ISO up is important.

The other major development is that we(I) can fairly consistently complete a REM cycle each night. Not two, but I'll take what I can get. The first break in feedings at night is usually between four and five hours. That may sound terrible, but it means that the first gauntlet is drawing to a close. From what I've heard and read, the start of parenthood is a battle of attrition, and the parents win only because they're too stupid to give up. Now, we transition to the next part; where they have personalities and skills at patri-manipulation. Then I get to kick them out at 18.

We've been busy recently, but everyone around us has been great, and tremendously helpful. All joking aside, if anyone still reads this thing, thanks. We're both finally rested enough to start realizing how awesome all our family and friends are.

Good News and Bad News

The bad news:
There are so many things about pregnancy and child-care that people just don't mention. THe topic of current times is that babies are bad at digestion. You know that cute face babies make when their pooping? Yeah, that's because it's painful. Everytime you, as an evil parent, force them to eat, their digestive system hurts.

Then, this discomfort peaks at about 6-8 weeks. That's where we are. So there's two babies, in the most gastro-intestinal distress they have ever experienced, and then there's another gem. Their milk-laden guts can just get bound up, and they might not poop for up to seven days. Let me tell you, if I was corking it for seven days, I doubt my demeanor would be pleasant. So Monday, they cried. A lot. Then they pooped. A lot. The adjectives I would have to use to describe some of the atrocities are usually reserved for horror movie monsters, and natural disasters. Things like surging, explosive, and demonic.




And Hug-able.

If you read that pokemon's powers, that's basically what it's like: "what is that smell? Oh, you reshuffled him into your pants."







The good news:
We slept for a solid five hours last night. We bought new basinets for both girls and their much more willing to pass out in them. That meant less baby-night-holding. It also meant I had a good chance to have my advanced brutally rebuffed.




Headache, huh? Why? It's not like you were holding a screaming infant with a veritable gut-geyser stopped up for eleven hours today.






But, life is becoming something resembling normal again. Normal has changed, but we can make plans and do something other than wait for a feeding now.

Let's play Pretend

My sister watched the girls last night. She volunteered so Abby and I could have a nice couple's night/Valentines dinner. It was pretty marvelous. We had an exquisite dinner, that no one vomited, pooped or cried during. Abby had 2 glasses of wine, and I think she was pretty loopy by the end of the meal.

It was a pleasant treat to see that we still have something in common even without our little genetic legacies. Consciously or not, we kept conversation away from talking about parenting, money or the short term future. The topics de jour were vacations, winning the lotto and the proper way to skin a cat.

I feel comfortable saying that we came to a consensus. It was decided that we should obtain a large amount of wealth, sit on a beach, and eat things that only really rich and really poor people eat. Like snails, or obscure local produce.

Abby looked beautiful. The combination of seeing her in makeup, low lighting, and a couple glasses of wine myself; turned me into the blubbering man-child she started dating all those years ago. Hopefully it was endearing.

How to Compose Yourself

Recently, we've come to the conclusion that children shouldn't get in the way of our busy social lives. The culmination of this realization is that we dragged them cooing and pooing to a Superbowl party. Those girls know how to party.

I didn't expect it at all, but they were all about the crowd, just couldn't get enough. Doing body shots, eating pizza-dip; they got so drunk they crapped themselves. Both of 'em. I mean that's a major party killer right there.




Picture this, but more socially acceptable.




I suppose we're going to have to go over some of the basic party rules with them.
-No fallen soldiers
-If you spill it, you should make at least a halfhearted attempt to look like you plan on cleaning it up. Patting it with a bare hand, while looking around plaintively, is the bare minimum.
-No double dipping. This hasn't been much of an issue, but it's always good to remind people.
-Try not to pass out on anyone. This was a big issue.

To be honest, they were awesome little munchkins. They didn't cry hardly at all. They used some pretty creative anti-steeler insults. And they didn't have any major freak-outs. We just set up their pillows in a corner and plopped them down on the floor. I don't' think they got stepped on more than a couple times. Plus, Abby got the chance to have more than one beer for the first time in almost a year.