Cha Cha Changes

There's been a lot of changes in our household as of late. That's the reason I am going to blame for my lack of posts. I say that like there's dozens of fans waiting on my pearls of wisdom. I doubt there is; it's probably mostly mark, my mom, and Chelsea. I suppose I could have some hidden, secret underground following. A bot in China breaks down my ramblings and posts them to twitter, and then a team of theologeans search them for clues to solve missing person cold cases.

"Sweet foil hat, man."

To be honest though, the reason is that I've been busy, and not feeling particularly hilarious. Mind you, I think of myself as just as awesome as always, I just haven't felt the need to validate myself.

Some of the changes we've seen that people may or may not have been aware of:

1. The girls are pretty stable, physically at least. They're really needy when it comes to affection. If I had a girlfriend like them, I'd say things about "needing space" and "you're smothering me" and "why do you cry so much about stupid shit?" and "I love you? is that what will make you stop?"

2. Big Momma has joined (willingly) the unwashed masses of min-van owners. It was the best negotiating that either of us had done, because we didn't really want it; and babies have made us poor.

3. I still think boobs are great. Somehow that sense of awe has survived the pumping and feeding and objectification of my wife's chesticles. That makes me happy, cause boob-loving is kind of a landmark in the landscape of my mind. Without that monument, I would probably get lost in my own psyche and latch onto one of my lesser interests, like personality, or "a sense of humor."

4. I can function on much less sleep than I thought. Where we're at now is nothing compared to the first few weeks, but there's enough short notice meetings in the middle of the night to really mess with your REM cycles. Plus, we're running with a pretty heft deficit. From what I hear, you never get caught up, you just get enough to keep going.

5. Abby's hair is falling out. She went to pull her hair back in a ponytail and realized that here temples are much thinner than she remembered. After setting up a doctor's appointment, she started in on one thing I've told her never to do: go to webMD and look up her symptoms. She convinced herself she had Lupus. Again. Blood was drawn, tests were run.

The doctor thinks she's under stress (dur!) and her hormones are going wonky (Double Dur!). Her body is realizing she's not pregnant, so it's letting go of all that lustrous hair her prenatals bestowed upon her. With twins, there was double the lady juices, and so the crash is double the depth. Her scalp is overshooting the expected shedding levels.

6. Our girls are developing distinct personalities:

JuJuBee has figured out how to roll back to front and will use that ability to get closer to you and claw your face with her talons.

Har Gow has decided that she would like to spend her life well fed, happy, and right where you left her.

7. We've moved the girls out of the room, and as of tuesday, are letting them cry themselves to sleep. This causes the Mrs. some physical discomfort, but it give me a sick sense of power. "I'm not a slave you your tiny vocal cords!"

8. I'm going through some serious withdrawals. I need my football. College, Pro, Lingerie (Go Mist!), I don't care. ESPN has stretched their offseason coverage to the limits. FoxSports has reported on the lockout past where a reasonable person would stop. The sports blogs have all thrown their hands up and said, "I got nothing. Seriously, I already covered spring ball, and all the schools are leaving for summer break." My fantasy football page won't even let me start the league because of the stupid lockout.

9. My sister is back from South Korea and living with us while helping with the girls, so abby could go back to work. I'm not sure if I had ever mentioned that, but it was a while ago.

In the words of a much more interesting man than myself: That's all I have to say about that.

I'm a bad blogger

I was pumped about it, and then I hit a lull. Then the lull became writer's block, and subsequently a writer's anchor. I upgraded that to a guilt spiral, then an embarrassing... uh... other thing.

Anyhow, it's been weeks since I relayed the trials and tribulations that make up the bulk of my existence. The girls have developed a lot in the last month's span. I guess you should do some maturing anytime you become 25% older. They're full babies now. They do things like smile, babble, and make faces when they poop. They're doing other things though, that make the process feel like it's getting better. They can sit up almost on their own. They're ovbiously scheming. I can see it.

Also, their insistent hunger has shifted to a ravenous anger at the lack of food. It's pretty counter intuitive. I mean seriously, if you were sitting at dinner and the Azteca staff was taking forever with your Chicken Fundido, would you protest by screaming your damn head off?




If I wanted to be judged, I would have gone to Red Lobster.




No. You would cluck disapprovingly and say a little too loud;y, "I wonder if something is wrong in the kitchen, our food seems to be slow; and my iced tea is empty again."

But their solution is to scream to the point of exhaustion and write sarcastic reviews on Yelp about our parental skills.

I've been trying to get it on camera, but because I'm clumsy and slow to react you're going to have to live with the internet meme version. Baby A does this all the friggin time.





Vomit in 5...4...3...2....blarg! Just in time to miss the towel and hit the dog.





Another interesting fact: The dogs don't mind being vomited upon. Not sure how to capitalize, but there has to be a way to turn that into a facebook game or something.

The Mrs. is back and work and she loves being away from the girls. Not really. She wants to be a stay at home mom, despite spending the first 8 years of our relationship denying that she would ever have the desire to not work. As a result, most of her income is going to be devoted to scratch tickets. It's a valid investment strategy. What? I feel like I'm at a goddamn Red Lobster, what with all the judging and what not.

...And Regression.

So, just when I think we had this thing down, and the universe was going to let us sleep. Mother nature tossed us a whopping mushroom stamp. The girls have again decided that waking up semihourly is a great idea. The articles I've read say it might be because they move in their sleep and wake themselves up, or it could be a developing social awareness, driving them to desire cuddle time.

I tend to think they're just messing with us. I don't want to set up an adversarial relationship where Abby and I are a coalition against The Twin Federation, but that's how it seems; at 3:42 AM, when you were up at 1:27 and will be again at 4:44. It's an endeavor of loving attrition. We're doing our best to hold the lines, and sleep in the foxhole between marching and fighting. But they are growing in power, size and force of personality.

Fun note: Julia has learned a new cry. It combines all the best aspects of a scream, a dog whistle and a squeaky toy.





Like this but instead of cow, it's full of rage.






Harper figured out she can save her poop up for about 4 days before the dams burst. At which point, the evil flowing from her rear was described as "looking like peeling open a peanut butter and jelly sandwich."

Also, Julia had something going on called "Baby Neck Cheese." I shit you not. It's a real thing, and I guess it's common. We also thought everyone had worms, but it was just a weird poop.

Progress.

Babies are dumb. I do not mean that as a slam on my children, nor on the current and future idiots of my friends. I mean it as an empirical and indisputable statement of fact.

Evidence:
The need rest in order to get a good nights sleep. What. The. Shit?

Abby has started to read a book about how to get babies to sleep. I had been operating under the false assumption that children functioned like milk powered robots. They Expend all energy is the form of fussing, enter standby mode; then, when the batteries have cooled, reactivate and demand fuel for their lactose fueled tantrum.

But, as it turns out, they need a sleeping start at their rest. The crying seems to be a symptom of too little sleep, and by crying they work themselves up too much for sleep. Dumb. Then, since they're awake, they eat and eat and guzzle, then vomit. And then do this strange thing that's like vomiting, but really slow and the consistency of boogers. Yet they're happy to have a mouth full of rancid milk-slime.

Anyhow, Abby got a contiguous 7.5 hours of sleep a couple nights ago. We have the girls split up in two little bassinets, one on either side of the bed. The idea is that if your baby sleeps, you get to sleep. At this point it beats trying to keep them on a schedule, because waking up a baby and jamming a spout of boob-juice in their cry-hole does not endear them to anything. The conversation, upon waking went like this:

Abby: Wha..*gurggle*
Des: oh baby, oh baby. You light my fire.
A: Are the babies alright?
D: I think so, Why?
A: I feel fantastic.
D: And that's bad, why?
A: I feel like singing, and the world has color. I... I don't know if I can go back... What do I do?
D: Let's start with feeding the baby.
A: Oh, right! I had almost forgotten.
D: Yeah, you were out. Like a breathing rock. Or a very attractive hibernating bear.





They hibernate so adorably. Not that I watch them sleep or anything. I was acquitted on all counts.











A: Did you take care of [Baby Jungle-Juice] for me, to let me sleep?
D: No, she slept right on her own...... Wait, No, Yeah; I daringly took care of her while you rested. That's totally what happened.
A: Oh god my boobs hurt.
D: Do you need them massaged?
A: No, silly-willy. I haven't made a withdrawal at the mammary store in too long.
D: So... No boob touching?
A: No.
D: OK, offer stands.
A: Appreciated, but unnecessary.

But back to the subject of dumb babies. After some reflection, I don't think they are really all that stupid, I'll hope that judgment for when they're 16 and bring home a boy named "Chud." On the plus side, by the time that happens, I'll be a well established member of society, and he'll be a tattooed punk that no court would believe over me.

Generic Post Template

**Don't Post**
[Outrageous Statement]

Weak Justification. Rational explanation and further explanation. Bordeline offensive metaphor.

*Body*
Insinuate mental prowess and superiority to peers. (note: don't overtly state "I'm better than everyone, and have better taste in music." big turnoff) Pop Culture reference. Weak jsutification to post silly, non-sequiter picture.





mmmmmm..... Yeah; just like that.







*New Topic*(Note: Abrupt change in topic prevents reader from noticing I have no idea where I'm going with this)

Statement of fact. Twist fact. Propose examining of social norms from "outside the box." Attempt to set the box on fire. Realize box is important part of fabric of society. Pull it back in a bit, through the use of an off-putting simile. Wikipedia Link to relevant data.

Heartfelt/Mushy statement of adoration toward wife/children/sandwich/weather. Intentional mis-statement to cause calls of concern to Wife. Obscure 80's child's cartoon reference. (note: obscurity=hilarity.) Another crude transition as an excuse to use cool image.




Goddammit, I love you, Peyton. There's no need to be angry. You had me at "hot-route." I'm still trying to come up with a way for us to be together. Does Vermont have a football team? Maybe I can get Roger Goodell to start an expansion team there.





*Conclusion*
Use a good sentence from above, but use Google thesaurus to change all the words. Rap reference.


***Possible Topics to be explored/tasks to accomplish***(delete after use)
-Diaper contents
-Frequency, pitch, and enjoyment of farting
-Lack of sleep
-Wife's Body (update: Avoid! Danger! Tell her she's pretty... frequently.)
-Jenifer Lopez: validity as judge of American Idol
-Cry translation software.
-How far away can I pee into the toilet from? (research without Wife home)
-Dogs as mounts
-Bob Villa
-Peyton (swoon): I can't get enough
-Use thesaurus to find words to make me sound smart
-Find more obscure references: TMNT, Cory Haim, Piranhas, Huffing sharpies, D.A.R.E., jorts, neon hammer pants, gold hammer pants, JNCOs, Boobie posters at Spencer's, Breast/Fruit shape comparison, Dick-shape fruit, list of double entendre, Jesus.
-Which baby is Godzilla, which is Mecha-Godzilla? Didn't Mothra have something to do with twins?
-Figure out some reason to mention Jesus, Buddha and Joseph Smith doing a jumping triple high-five, with explosions and monster-trucks in the background.

Sip Bacardi like it's my Monday

It's my birthday, and as such I had a few demands. Most of them have been satisfied, or at least placated.

1.I wish to have a birthday dinner.
-Status: Satisfied. We went out to a delightful Greek dinner where I overate, and regretted it not in the least.

2. I wish to consume alcohol.
-Status: Placated. This is more of a standing desire than a unique event. However, at dinner Abby and I split 2 bottles of wine. I suppose that could be reclassified as we each drank a bottle of wine, if the split were even. I don't think it quite was though. My darling bride has a way of keeping a wine glass between 1/4 and 1/2 full. Keeping enough there that you don't think you've had much, but it's not obvious it has been re-poured. Then we went down the street to a bar with $2 PBR. I was too full from the gyro-love I had slammed down my wine-soaked gullet to properly take advantage though.

3. I wish to see a dancing lady.
-Satistfied. Dear sweet baby Jesus, Satisfied. And a little scared, and scarred.
At dinner, our server/owner's daughter stood on a small podium and got the whole place's attention. She thanked everyone for coming, and explained that's it's always a pleasure to host events, and the Greek culture has a special custom for special events. "And, with that, I present Zaphora!"

The music starts. It's obviously a belly dancer. The only people I've heard that sort of music played for are either belly dancers or trying to sell me a rug. I didn't see any storage space for a fine assortment of area covers. I'm pretty excited at this point, but tempering my enthusiasm, for the sake of my wife's pride.





That is not what I expected. I'm not mad, just disappointed.





The show went on awkwardly long, and there was far too much playing coy. The longer I look at that picture, the more it's like a snapshot.

In order to tuck a dollar bill in her bra-string (the nightmares), she had to give some slack to the string. Said slack was achieved not through the standard erotic dancer method of pulling the string away from the body, but instead by lifting the aged mammary from beneath.

She was a nice lady though, and very friendly. So friendly. And she smelled like the sort of perfume you would smell wafting from the classiest isle of the classiest Rite Aid you could ever happen across. I think she would be the zany grandma that every kid loved because she gave you dollars for picking dandelions int he yard. I never would have guessed those dollars had been jammed haphazardly into her sequined hosiery.

4. I Wish to Sleep.
Status: Not fulfilled
The girls have been uncooperative. I am sleeping oodles more that I did at first, but I think they just like me so much that on my side of the bed they wake up extra times to hang out.

5. I demand to Game.
Status: Addiction fed. I want more.
Friday night, Abby took the girls over to her Maid of Honor's house to chill. I took the chance to play a down-loadable game on Xbox. It was so awesome I did it again Saturday. Then, all Sunday. I should probably keep myself from diving headfirst down that rabbit hole, but who knows when that town portal is going to close. And think of the treasures and unidentified items that would go to rust without my adventuring heart.




Hey man, you got any health pots? I can quit any time I want. It's just a little fun. I like to party. Like Ke$ha, but better grammatically. My Guild needs me... Maybe I should log in to WoW, just to see what they've done with the expansions...

Hitting our stride

It's been a while since I've had the chance to put my meandering thoughts to paper...err... keyboard. Things have progressed well, and as far as we can tell, they are still lovely little girls. Abby is still enjoying her work-free liberation, but somehow has found a way to fill the days.

The girls have broadened their available range of emotions. At the outset, they were pretty much limited to "asleep" and "Raging Fury." They've added quite a few, that I will attempt to relay via ASCII symbols:

Confusion >:|
Mild amusement :)
I just vomited, and feel better :D
Daddy smells like Rum :[]
The Dogs licked my forehead %)
It's too dark in here 8|
I'm imitating daddy's serious face >:(
Listen to me :P

My personal favorite is the too dark in here face. When it's time for bed, we turn out the lights, and both of them react the same way: they open their eyes as wide as they can. From a physics standpoint I guess it sort of makes sense too. Catching more light would make things more visible. I doubt the girls understand the particle/beam theory behind it, but getting that eye ISO up is important.

The other major development is that we(I) can fairly consistently complete a REM cycle each night. Not two, but I'll take what I can get. The first break in feedings at night is usually between four and five hours. That may sound terrible, but it means that the first gauntlet is drawing to a close. From what I've heard and read, the start of parenthood is a battle of attrition, and the parents win only because they're too stupid to give up. Now, we transition to the next part; where they have personalities and skills at patri-manipulation. Then I get to kick them out at 18.

We've been busy recently, but everyone around us has been great, and tremendously helpful. All joking aside, if anyone still reads this thing, thanks. We're both finally rested enough to start realizing how awesome all our family and friends are.